But where do we start? And when?

 

It's only natural

 

Ideally, we talk to our children about dying and death before they are faced with the loss of someone they care about. Death is a natural part of the cycle of life, and children can understand that flowers bloom and die or that caterpillars turn into butterflies and die. Many kids have to deal with death for the first time when a pet dies. All of these early interactions with nature are opportunities to help children start to understand death.

 

"Death is a natural part of the cycle of life."

How much your child can truly grasp the concept depends on his or her age. Pre-school children often open up the subject with their own questions about death, either about animals, bugs or plants or about people. They may start to ask questions about their parents dying or be anxious about their own deaths.

 

Eight suggestions to help

 

When the time comes to open the conversation, it may help to keep a few things in mind:

 

1. Take your cues from the child. Don't expect any child to take in too much at one time. Kids tend to want simple information in small amounts; they'll come back with more questions when they're ready.

 

2. Be honest about death. Sidestepping the issue doesn't protect children and also conveys the sense that there's something unnatural or uncomfortable about the subject. If you don't know the answer to a question, however, admit it. It's a complex subject and it's okay to say so.

 

3. Offer plenty of reassurances. Yes, some people may get very sick and die but most generally live a long, long time and don't die until they're very old. Let them know you expect to live to a nice old age.

 

4. If you're too uncomfortable with the subject or feel you can't speak properly about it, consider using books to help. If you need help choosing something appropriate, ask at the library or book store. The website of Bereaved Families of Ontario has a fairly extensive list.

 

5. Steer clear of euphemisms for death such as "passed away," "went away" or "went to sleep." It's important that, whatever their age, children understand the finality of death. And equating death with "sleep" or going "away" can make a young child afraid of going to bed at night or saying goodbye to you when you go off to work!

 

6. Ritual is an important part of death-and of coming to terms with death. If a pet dies, it may be wise to make a ceremony around its burial. Similarly, it's fine for children to go to funerals if they want to, but it's best to prepare them ahead of time for what might happen there—and for the fact that many people may be upset.

 

7. Let them know that grief is normal. If you are upset about the death of someone, you don't need to hide it. It can help children to feel comfortable with normal expressions of emotion.

 

8. If your child wants to talk about what happens to people after they die, it's a good time to talk about your own beliefs but it's also wise to let children know that different people believe different things. Acknowledging other points of view gives permission to children to have their own as well.

 

How a child expresses grief typically depends on his or her age. The true impact of a loss is generally not fully felt or expressed in pre-adolescent children. However, while young children may appear to go on with their days as if nothing had happened, it doesn't mean they aren't mourning, so it's important to keep the conversation going.

How do I help a child who is grieving the death of a parent?

 

The death of a parent can be devastating. How a child reacts depends on his or her age, experiences and the relationship with the parent. Children who lose a parent will probably have many strong and confusing feelings. You can help by being there for them. Listen to their questions and give honest answers. Help them express their feelings and share your own. Give them support and let them know that they'll be taken care of and that they're safe.

 

What can I expect?

 

While each child grieves differently, common responses to the death of a parent can include:

 

1. Shock and denial

 

2. Anger – shown in rowdy play, nightmares or temper tantrums

 

3. Guilt

 

4. Regression – acting younger than they are, infantile, demanding, clinging

 

5. Sadness – may come and go over a long period of time

 

6. Reduced appetite and inability to sleep

 

7. Fear of being alone.

 

Is the grieving process different for children of different ages?

 

How children grieve will depend on their age and life experience.

 

Young children
Preschool children usually see death as temporary and reversible. They may try to understand death by asking many direct questions: How did it happen? Why did it happen? Where is the parent now? These questions can be surprising and challenging. It's important to give them direct answers because what they are imagining can be much worse than what actually happened.

 

Young children who are grieving may feel frightened and confused. They may have nightmares or act younger than they are. Some may act as if they are unaffected by the death.

 

Children aged 6 to 12
At this age, children are beginning to understand that death is final. They may believe that they somehow caused the death and blame themselves. This common reaction helps them feel as if they have some control over the situation. If this happens, it's very important for the living parent or another caregiver to discuss the cause of death with the child, to help them understand that they are not to blame and could not have controlled the situation.

 

School-aged children may feel shock, fear, anxiety, depression and anger. They may deny the death or be withdrawn.

 

Teens
Teens may experience many of the same emotions as adults. Feelings of shock, denial, disappointment, anger, sadness, loneliness and guilt are all common. Some teens will talk about their feelings and some may not. Their grieving processes tend to last longer than those of younger children.

 

How can I help?

 

When a parent dies, trusted family members and friends play an important role. Often, the surviving parent and other family members are so overwhelmed by their own grief that they can't cope with a child's needs. There are many ways friends and other trusted adults can help:

 

1. Listen carefully to questions, giving answers that are direct and honest but provide only the amount of information that the child asks for and can handle.

 

2. Avoid clichés like "gone away" or "went to sleep", which cause more confusion and fear.

 

3. Encourage the child to express his or her feelings.

 

4. Don't tell a child how to feel.

 

5. Don't hide or deny your own feelings.

 

6. Be patient. Healing takes time – the child may ask the same questions over and over again.

 

7. Reassure the child that he or she will be taken care of. Children need to know that their world will be maintained by a strong, caring adult.

 

8. Make sure they eat a healthy, well-balanced diet.

 

9. Talk about memories of the parent who died or make a photo album or memory book together.

 

10. Offer a break from the sadness at home.

 

11. Remember that grief is a normal, healthy response to loss.

 

You can find bereavement supports in your local community through non-profit organizations (such as the Bereaved Families of Ontario), local hospitals or funeral homes, libraries (for reading material and children's storybooks about grief and loss), the child's school or a faith community.

 

Warning signs that a child might need professional help include:

 

1. extreme grieving that lasts longer than a few months or gets stronger as time passes

 

2. refusal to participate in usual activities like sports

 

3. aggressive and destructive behaviour

 

4. withdrawal from friends and family

 

5. imitating the dead parent or expressing the desire to be with them

 

6. prolonged fear of being left by themselves

 

7. refusal to eat or sleeplessness.

 

Additional Resources: Internet links

 

Helping Children With Grief
Griefworks

 

Parents & Caregivers of Grieving Children
GriefNet

 

Sharing grief with children
BC Council for Families